A New Year

Hurray -- a new year is upon us. As usual, I love the feeling of a fresh start (especially after the tumult of 2017).

Someone asked me if I have any new years resolutions this year. Typically I would have thought about resolutions, but this year I feel differently. Knowing that life will forever change in one month with the birth of our child, this year I am less interested in trying to "achieve" so much as I hope to grow and learn and just survive (i.e. sleep!) day-by-day in the journey of uncertainty that lies ahead.

While catching up with a friend last night (who is an anxious, type-A planner like myself), she asked whether or not it has been liberating to embrace the unknown around having a child. I think it has been for me already, particularly as I think about childbirth. After having attended childbirth education classes, hired a doula, and read many birth stories, I decided to stop reading about childbirth. It will be what it will be and at this point I feel done worrying about it. I've got a goal, I'm going to do the best that I can, and I'm not going to judge myself about whatever happens in the end.

While I've gotten to a place of feeling comfortable with my decisions around childbirth, I know that the gray areas that exist around parenting methods and styles will make it hard for me to feel confident in my decisions as a parent. Even when presented with thinking about circumcision -- the fact that the practice is neither recommended or discouraged by the American Pediatric Association is a scenario that surprised me; it's an individual choice... there isn't a medically "right" or "wrong" answer.

At a recent gathering of mothers that I admire, a theme that emerged was the importance of trusting your intuition as a parent. Every child is different, and learning to adapt and adjust expectations and advocate about what feels right for your individual child seems to be key. What a change it will be for someone like me, who always has a well-laid plan for the road ahead. It will be an incredible opportunity for us to become more in touch with what is really important to us and to use all of our collective resources to make it work.

One thing is for sure... I've never felt more excited on the first morning of a new year. This year, a truly awesome adventure awaits.

Hello Again

I didn't even realize that it has been three months since my last post!

It has been a particularly silent time due to a "secret" I've been keeping, which is that I'm pregnant again. As I write this, I'm 16 weeks. I have to admit that because of my previous miscarriage (or my anxious nature, or the combination of the two), I am still not feeling very secure about the pregnancy. I have moments of excitement and feeling like diving head-first into thoughts about the future of our family (I did knit a baby hat last week!), but more often I am a little bit uneasy about the uncertainty that exists until the moment the baby is born. And yes, I realize that once the baby is born the worrying about its health and safety will reach a whole new level!

I recently went into the midwife and was surprised by my near disbelief when we heard the baby's heartbeat for the second time. It's as though I had assumed the worst. Instead it was a great visit because I was able to air my concerns and hear from the midwife that all was likely progressing normally. And yet, now only a few days later, I am back to feeling worried about the symptoms that I'm having, convinced that they could be red flags.

Before becoming pregnant the first time, I imagined pregnancy as a dreamy kind of experience filled with self-care and feelings of hope. It seemed like it would be luxurious, really. But of course, such dramatic changes to your body and your sense of normalcy can be really stressful. And while most pregnancies and babies are healthy, when I became pregnant and had a miscarriage I became aware for the first time of complications that can happen in pregnancy. And for better or worse I am feeling acutely aware of those possibilities still.

In one month we'll have an ultrasound, which I think will be huge in terms of my acceptance of this pregnancy as the real deal. My fingers are crossed that all goes well until then, and I'm hoping to distract myself as much as possible to avoid unnecessary fear/stress. Now that I've finished knitting a little hat, my next projects are a small wall hanging and a felt mobile. Crafting has proven to be both therapeutic and a way for me to manifest my excitement about a baby.

In other news, we recently spent the week hiking, kayaking, hanging out with family, making recipes from a new cookbook (Made in India), and playing board games with friends. So there is so much to be grateful for, as always. I am a worrier but ultimately do have hope that in the long-run things have a way of working out (whether the issue is small and local or big and global). It is just a matter of patience, perspective, and doing the best you can day by day.

Updates

It has been a while. I'm going through another, "should I keep blogging?" phase. Life is just so busy and I'm not really sure what to say for myself on this blog. For lack of something else, here are a few updates...

Work: I am living and breathing my job about 14 hours per day. Last month I wrote six grants. The month before that I managed our annual fundraising gala. Those are just projects in the grander scheme of the job, but are in themselves a full-time job. In the last month one of the people I supervise indicated that for health reasons she'll be working remotely at half-time for more than three months; this essentially means I'm working 1.5 jobs through June. It is A LOT and exhausting but I am actually liking it. For better or worse I thrive on being busy and feeling needed at work. I work at coffee shops on Saturdays with a surprising amount of pleasure. We'll see if I burn out eventually.

Projects: To balance out and take my mind off of the stress of work, I have been doing quick and easy craft projects. Oh the joy of it. I recently completed another little seasonal hanging for our front door -- ferns. It is easily my favorite of the 5 or so I've made. We have ferns in our backyard and I treasure them. Speaking of which, our backyard is in bloom and the cherry tree is beautiful!

Below is another recent project; I think I'm going to get hooked... on mosaics. There is a cool little mosaic store/workshop space two blocks from our house. I walked there the other day and was surprised by how inexpensive the supplies were. I made my first little mosaic to put in the garden. I think that there will be more to come!

Music: My last post was about this, but I'm posting about it again! We saw Hurray for the Riff Raff in concert last week and it was AMAZING. Such an inspirational woman with incredible songwriting ability. She has really become an advocate and an activist and is using her platform to spread messages like "take care of each other" and "we're all in this together." A central theme of her new album is seeing ourselves in the context of all who came before us, and paying homage to those who got us to where we are today. I've always resonated with that perspective. Needless to say, I'm a big fan.

Hurray

This week two of my favorite musicians are releasing new albums. I've been anticipating both albums for several months and all of the songs that have been released so far are exciting (in my opinion)!

My real favorite of the two artists is Alynda Lee Segarra of Hurray for the Riff Raff. The group's last few albums have been steeped in an Americana sound (they are from New Orleans). In this new album, The Navigator, Segarra is revisiting her personal roots more deeply (she is Puerto Rican and grew up in the Bronx) while also commenting on broader issues of immigration and assimilation. You can currently stream the album on NPR. You can also read a review of one of the songs on the album (and listen tot he track) on Pitchfork. I highly recommend it!

The other artist releasing a new album is Laura Marling. I have been a fan of hers for years. My Laura Marling story is this: the only time I've ever called in and won something on the local radio station was two tickets to an intimate in-studio Laura Marling performance. It was pretty much the greatest freebie, as she is a wonderful solo performer who sounds best unplugged. It was breathtaking. She is a young singer/songwriter with incredible depth and maturity. Her recent albums have been imaginative and explored layers of identity. Below is the only song I've heard from the new album (Semper Femina) so far, and I like it!

Enjoy these and other powerful female singer/songwriters today for International Women's Day!

Updates

First, I have been promoted to a Director position with my organization. The position will be challenging in that the work will be fairly different from what I do now and also because I'll be supervising staff for the first time. Right now I'm simultaneously training my replacement and starting down the path of a big learning curve for my new position. In short, I'm working long days and weekends in hopes of a smooth transition. It is an exciting opportunity for me, and it has been interesting to notice how much more grown up I feel in this formal leadership position.

Second, after finishing another narrative nonfiction book by Jon Krakauer (Into the Wild, which I liked, but not as much as Into Thin Air) and partially due to the stress of my transition at work, I decided to jump to a fluffy, easy, escape of a book and happened to stumble upon The Book of Speculation by Erika Swyler. It seems to be much like Water for Elephants, which I enjoyed reading. We'll see how it plays out. I'm also reading the newest Fannie Flagg novel, mostly because my boss loaned it to me. It is not really my style; hence I'm starting a few other books in the meantime.

Third, it was SB's birthday recently and I made a tiered cake from the Homemade Decadence cookbook (from Joy the Baker). It turned out pretty beautifully and was so fun to make! The salted peanut butter buttercream was easily the best part. The recipe called for three tiers but instead I made two cakes -- one with two tiers and the other with just one. I actually liked the simple one-tier cake best, which was essentially a fluffy chocolate cake with frosting and crunchy toppings (chopped peanuts/pretzels/dark chocolate). The cake was a perfect match for a gift I got SB -- a Bialetti Moka Express.

Creativity with Facts

Don't worry, this post is not about the "alt facts" (a.k.a untruths) being spread by the Trump administration. This post is about creative nonfiction; if January is any indicator, 2017 is going to be my year of nonfiction.

Last month I read two compelling nonfiction books. 

The first was The Night of the Gun by David Carr. In this book, a journalist investigates and comes to terms with his own story. That story is at times deeply disturbing, as Carr spent years desperately addicted to drugs and alcohol, the outcomes of which included regrettable violence and neglect towards people he loved. At other times the book is hopeful, as Carr eventually gets clean, grows into parenthood, and ascends from working at a Minneapolis journal to the newsroom of the New York Times. Carr is highly self-aware and pulls no punches; the book is not framed as a story of redemption -- it confronts and holds all aspects of David Carr (the good, the bad, and the ugly) at the same time. For me, therein lies its integrity and its value. 

The second book I read last month was Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer. I realize that I'm not saying anything new when I say that this book is absolutely riveting, as the book is a bestseller and has been around for two decades. This book hooked me immediately; I read the last 200 pages in one day because I could not put it down. What makes Into Thin Air particularly absorbing, not unlike The Night of the Gun, is that it tells the story of a unique and perilous journey written by a direct survivor. While I really like Krakauer's descriptive-yet-straightforward writing style, certainly the story of the Everest disaster is what makes the book so compelling. I'd say that the opposite is true for The Night of the Gun, as it is really Carr's creative approach and writing style that make the book a worthwhile read. Overall, I loved them both.

I'm looking forward to digging more deeply into nonfiction and better understanding the distinctions between narrative nonfiction and memoir and the different devices/techniques/approaches used by creative nonfiction authors.

Rise and Shine

Like so many others, I felt ready to wipe the slate clean as 2016 turned to 2017. And not just because I am the kind of person who typically likes the idea of a fresh start. While my life is one of extremely good fortune in the grand scheme of things, last year was pretty emotionally exhausting for me.

The hardest part was watching SB's uncle throughout his dying process. The second hardest part was my miscarriage. The third hardest part was the feeling of disillusionment as communities witnessed police violence towards people of color and our nation elected a bigot as president. In short, 2016 left me feeling heavy, like a wet rag that needed to be wrung out. 

The lesson I took from all of these events was the same -- we must rise to difficult circumstances and shine as beacons of love. We must contribute to the creation of supportive communities, whether in our families, among our friends, in our neighborhoods, etc.

Showing up this way has always been a challenge for me because I carry a lot of social anxiety. A few years ago I had a social anxiety "diagnosis" and when recently given the opportunity to take a social anxiety self-assessment (who can resist a self-assessment?), the result came back as severe social anxiety. In the past I've thought of social anxiety as part of my inherent nature, but now I see that it limits me from being myself.

When I think of who I want to be in the world, I think of someone who can approach and engage others warmly and authentically; social anxiety prevents me from being present with others (physically, mentally, emotionally...). My goal for 2017 is to challenge my fears and practice/develop skills so that I can engage others comfortably in both personal and professional spheres of my life. Life is short, and nothing in this life is more meaningful than authentic communion with others.

My professional mentor has often said that the most important things in his life are 1) his immediate family, 2) his friends/extended family, 3&4) music/art and the universe/natural world, and 5) his work. I have really taken this view to heart and tried to remember those priorities as I go about my day-to-day life. When I do this, I find so much joy and gratitude. For instance:




SB and I have been cooking and cooking and cooking. We have not gone out to dinner for two weeks, and two weeks ago we only went out for dinner because it was a friend's birthday. We have been making many recipes, including some from our new cookbook -- Jerusalem. It is an instant favorite, and the time spent making dinner and listening to music is priceless (not to mention delicious). We have also been making ice cream from scratch. Delightful.

Also, check out this Persian prayer rug that I bought from a coffee shop. It is hand-woven and hand-dyed. This kind of purchase is rare for me. It wasn't even that expensive, but it is something that I would typically feel like I couldn't justify (after all, you can get a rug at Target for $15). But in reality it is totally unique and it will bring warmth and rich beauty to our home for years. 

Cheers to a year of rising up, shining bright, and finding love and beauty in every day of life.