AIMLESS LOVE

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,

I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,

I fell for a seamstress

still at her machine in the tailor’s window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone.

The love of the chestnut,
the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.

No lust, no slam of the door –
the love of the miniature orange tree,
the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,
the highway that cuts across Florida.

No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor –
just a twinge every now and then

for the wren who had built her nest
on a low branch overhanging the water
and for the dead mouse,
still dressed in its light brown suit.

But my heart is always propped up
in a field on its tripod,
ready for the next arrow.

After I carried the mouse by the tail
to a pile of leaves in the woods,
I found myself standing at the bathroom sink
gazing down affectionately at the soap,

so patient and soluble,
so at home in its pale green soap dish.
I could feel myself falling again
as I felt its turning in my wet hands
and caught the scent of lavender and stone.

 - Billy Collins

Photo Bliss

Our wedding photographer got the first batch of photos to us yesterday, and I can't take my eyes off of them. Gorgeous. And so fun to re-live (particularly if you're me and you were a tightly wrapped ball of nerves on your wedding day). The joy of seeing the moments and relationships captured so beautifully is blissful.

Change in Season

After a very mild summer, we are getting a resurgence of heat as August turns to September. It is a nice change - hard to complain about hot and humid weather when you know it will soon turn to cool and then COLD. And while every year I dread the snow, I dare say that the hermit in me can't wait for it - when all of us, urban and minimally outdoorsy Minnesotans, brave the outdoors for little more than a trip to the office and a short walk around the neighborhood. Or to dig our cars out of the snow when a snow emergency hits...ug. But this is what I love about Minnesota - even though it is undoubtedly a result of living here all my life - I'm always ready for the next season when it arrives.

My fond thoughts of cold evenings cuddled up and cooking with SB are a result of the changing seasons and of our perpetually busy evenings and weekends this summer. I had previously thought to myself, once this wedding has passed we'll finally be able to relax and go back to life as usual... and actually, that has largely happened. However, I didn't expect every single weekend to fill up with activities through August and September! We scheduled a camping trip for just the two of us, and the first weekend that we had free was in October! Holy moly. But I'm thrilled that we got that trip on the books, and I'm so looking forward to it. We'll be on the St. Croix river, and I'm hoping that colors will be at their peak for the season. Woohoo!

And with the change in season also comes a big change to the dynamic in our home. SB will be back to school next week, with kids starting the following week. This means that he will be shifting out of his summer homemaker role and into teacher mode. Not only does he teach three sections of kids this year, he's also coaching flag football, which is a huge commitment. And when flag football is over, he will start facilitating after school classes two days per week. Not to mention prepping time and other school activities in the evenings. It is inspiring to watch that kind of dedication and to see him be part of the important community environment that school provides to students, particularly in such a diverse urban environment. Now I'll be stepping up and taking back more of the cooking and cleaning around the house. Fortunately for me, though, SB enjoys dishwashing (it is meditative for him) and will undoubtedly continue to be our dishwasher. :)

One of the Guys

Last night SB and I went to the wedding of an old friend of his from college. The couple was adorably happy and down to earth. It was all very sweet. We knew a handful of people at the wedding, and it was fun to catch up with them, most of whom live out of town. And then came a time where we had to choose between staying and heading to a bar for SB to join a bachelor party of his best pals. It was a hard call, but we decided to go to the bachelor party, with me as SB's ride and hope of my being accepted into the party so I wouldn't have to drive home and back again later to pick up my man.

When we got to the bar, the guys were happy to see me and I felt immediately included. One friend who we don't know as well and wasn't invited to the wedding, came up and gave me a hug and congratulated me as soon as I walked into the bar. And several of them complimented me on my new haircut and the dress that I was wearing. It was so sweet. And while the guys spent most of the night drinking and playing foosball, each took time to tell SB and I how touched they were by our wedding ceremony and reception. These guys couldn't wait to tell us about how inspired they were by the homily at our wedding and how choked up they got by the whole thing. It was special.

And for all of the times that I've felt like an outsider in SB's tightly-knit pack of friends, I felt like one of them, among the guys playing foosball and generously ordering rounds of beers, sharing with me their intimate thoughts and feelings. We talked with the groom-to-be about how excited he and his bride are to start a family right away, and he was so enthusiastic about the fact that we shared their value of rituals like marriage and that we, too, want to have a family (though not as soon as he is planning to start his own!). And the whole experience made me feel so lucky to have this group of people with whom I will get to grow up, raise a family, and celebrate milestones all together.

Many days I wish that we had fewer commitments so that we could spend a weekend at home, just SB and I. But friends and family are such a blessing, and will only grow in importance as we get older.

Summer Rally Time

It is hard to believe that it is already the middle of August. Early this summer I was so swept up in wedding planning and the always looming re-org at work that I didn't take proper advantage of sunny early morning runs, reading at the park, biking to get from point A to point B, warm walks at dusk, etc. I feel like last year SB and I went to the farmers market almost every weekend, and this year we've only been there a handful of times (although the season did start later than usual). And for me, it doesn't really get better than a sunny 8am visit to the market downtown.

Right now it is a perfect 80 degrees and the sun is shining. We're listening to some early Dylan records and are making our favorite go-to dinner: a veggie-heavy stir fry, and then we're off to walk by the river. So relaxing. To my surprise, I am just learning to savor time this way again. I wound myself so tightly with the wedding that, now that it is over, I tend to oscillate between feeling like I should be planning or starting some new project and being completely wiped out on the couch not wanting to lift a finger. I am such a creature of habit and routine that all of the transitions in my life have overwhelmed my whole way of being and I am now only beginning to feel that I am returning to myself and recharging.

And despite still dealing with the weight of job uncertainty, I am feeling happier day-to-day and more hopeful than ever in the promise of our shared future. I'm able to make time, take a breath and enjoy the little things again. So it is rally time - to get in all of that farmers market-ing, reading in the park, and walking and biking and basking in the sun before we return to cold weather. For my birthday we are planning to go camping, just the two of us (which we've never done before). Yay!

Speaking of getting outside - one last note. I recently read WILD by Cheryl Strayed, and highly recommend it. It was a quick but simultaneously raw and insightful and inspiring read about her life-affirming trek on the Pacific Crest Trail. I couldn't put it down. And now SB can't put it down, either, and it has a two-person wait list among our friends and family. Read it.

Added later - walk photos:

Back to Reality

Aaaand I'm married. Phew.

The wedding week was a whirlwind, so the best I can do is list a few highlights:

- An incredibly thoughtful bachelorette party with my favorite ladies. They created a customized scrapbook for me, each creating a page that represents our unique friendships. It is a treasure. And the party even included embroidery, resulting in three awesome free-hand designs on cotton dish towels - yet another treasure! The party also included homemade infused gin (YUM) and a sweet game that brought many smiles to my face. I am incredibly lucky to have all of these women in my life. 

- Rehearsal: the lady in charge was kind, and took her job VERY seriously... :). It felt good to practice, and gave folks a chance to meet the priest. My niece was a rockstar flower girl - making it down the aisle despite being very shy and only 2 years old.

- A delicious groom's dinner with a plentiful amount of beer and meat! :) Fun to get a lot of friends and family together more intimately.

- Wedding day! AMAZING flowers from the farmer's market in the morning, successful and easy hair styling that suited me well, setting up of venue was smooth and easy, bouquets were made beautifully, great photo opportunities on the porch of the reception venue, incredible chauffeur (best man), terrible nerves at the church before the ceremony, stunning duet by best friends during the ceremony, perfect homily thanks to our soulful and articulate priest, fun stop at nostalgic bar in Uptown with dozens of friends, mingling with friends and family, great tunes, complete exhaustion and then bouncing back (at least five times during the weekend), rescued by my comfy backup dress, seeing people dance was so fun, hilarity of the photo booth, ending with Mr. Tambourine Man - a moment I'll never forget.

- More time celebrating with friends and family the day after the wedding, and also packing up for our honeymoon.

- Honeymoon! Big Sur and San Francisco. I finally caught up on sleep, although unsurprisingly my body crashed and I got sick for a few days before finally returning to equilibrium. We had a few rustic days hiking and hitting the beach, followed by a few days of full days of walking and sightseeing in a huge urban environment. SB gazed at his ring and called me "wife" dozens of times on the trip. :) Cuddling up on both flights was struck me as particularly sweet and memorable.

Dare I say that now life will be returning to normal? My email inbox is probably 70% wedding-related - hard to believe that those emails can now be deleted. Time to get back to my online coursework and job-hunting. And cooking! I miss cooking. And writing thank you notes. Can't wait to thank people from the bottom of my heart one last time. It was a nerve-wracking event, but also such an outpouring of love. I hope that everyone had a lot of fun.