Hello Again

I didn't even realize that it has been three months since my last post!

It has been a particularly silent time due to a "secret" I've been keeping, which is that I'm pregnant again. As I write this, I'm 16 weeks. I have to admit that because of my previous miscarriage (or my anxious nature, or the combination of the two), I am still not feeling very secure about the pregnancy. I have moments of excitement and feeling like diving head-first into thoughts about the future of our family (I did knit a baby hat last week!), but more often I am a little bit uneasy about the uncertainty that exists until the moment the baby is born. And yes, I realize that once the baby is born the worrying about its health and safety will reach a whole new level!

I recently went into the midwife and was surprised by my near disbelief when we heard the baby's heartbeat for the second time. It's as though I had assumed the worst. Instead it was a great visit because I was able to air my concerns and hear from the midwife that all was likely progressing normally. And yet, now only a few days later, I am back to feeling worried about the symptoms that I'm having, convinced that they could be red flags.

Before becoming pregnant the first time, I imagined pregnancy as a dreamy kind of experience filled with self-care and feelings of hope. It seemed like it would be luxurious, really. But of course, such dramatic changes to your body and your sense of normalcy can be really stressful. And while most pregnancies and babies are healthy, when I became pregnant and had a miscarriage I became aware for the first time of complications that can happen in pregnancy. And for better or worse I am feeling acutely aware of those possibilities still.

In one month we'll have an ultrasound, which I think will be huge in terms of my acceptance of this pregnancy as the real deal. My fingers are crossed that all goes well until then, and I'm hoping to distract myself as much as possible to avoid unnecessary fear/stress. Now that I've finished knitting a little hat, my next projects are a small wall hanging and a felt mobile. Crafting has proven to be both therapeutic and a way for me to manifest my excitement about a baby.

In other news, we recently spent the week hiking, kayaking, hanging out with family, making recipes from a new cookbook (Made in India), and playing board games with friends. So there is so much to be grateful for, as always. I am a worrier but ultimately do have hope that in the long-run things have a way of working out (whether the issue is small and local or big and global). It is just a matter of patience, perspective, and doing the best you can day by day.