Ruminations, etc.

Since my last post, so much has happened. The election. The loss of the loved one. A new job prospect. Change really is the constant. The beauty of it is that change throws off our balance and thereby causes us to realign with what is at our core.

Here are a few things that have been inspiring me lately:

THIS CONVERSATION between Trevor Noah and Ta-Nehisi Coates

and THIS POEM being read by Lucille Clifton

and this song (video below) by John Gorka

Also, this poem:

blessing the boats

Related Poem Content Details

BY LUCILLE CLIFTON

(at St. Mary's)

may the tide

that is entering even now

the lip of our understanding

carry you out

beyond the face of fear

may you kiss

the wind then turn from it

certain that it will

love your back     may you

open your eyes to water

water waving forever

and may you in your innocence

sail through this to that

Recent Projects

First -- happy November! We tried a new recipe last week that is warm and satisfying -- perfect for this time of year. It is a sheet pan chicken tikka recipe from the Smitten Kitchen website. Easy and flavorful. View the recipe here.

Now on to craft projects. I recently finished two. The first was what I like to think of as a little patchwork "stained glass window." It is essentially a backless mini-quilt that I created to hang over a window (on a door that looks out into our alley). It is a product of pure imagination, as I didn't have a plan when I started cutting and sewing... I made it up as it progressed. The fabrics are so vibrant and bright as the light shines through them!

the "window" before borders were added

the stained glass effect

The other project that I completed had been half-finished and on the shelf for six months or more. It is an embroidered flower created largely using a blanket stitch. The design came from a crafter I follow on Instagram -- I loved the texture of it. Now that it is finished it is hanging in my office and brightening my workdays.

That Friday Feeling

Today is one of those Friday mornings when I wake up already feeling the joy that will come over me as I walk out the door of my office at 3:30pm. It was a busy, productive, and even exciting week. I'm planning a regional conference and registration is on the rise! It is going to be great, and I am thrilled.

On a side note, I took time this week, when SB was working at home one evening, to re-watch one of my all-time favorite movies. The music, the dialogue, the carefully placed scene details, the characters, the human emotion, the humor, the eccentricity... it gets me every time. Here's a classic scene clip from the film for your Friday morning:

Speaking of human emotion, last night I attended a surprise birthday party for my professional mentor and friend. At the party were more than 30 people from all areas and times of his life. At one point in the evening, because he is a music lover, a guest played piano and the whole group sang songs including "Imagine," "Help!" and "If I Had a Hammer." While of course I found it slightly awkward (because I am me), it was also a really beautiful thing. Friends are such an amazing gift in this life, and togetherness through meals and music is particularly special.

Lastly, I'm hoping to get crafty this weekend... perhaps I'll have project pictures to report back next week.

Autumn Cake

a photo from a recent (flooded) hike

I have made this cake twice this month -- for two different celebrations of my birthday. It is a keeper of a recipe -- a cake that is surprisingly light, springy, spiced, sweet, slightly sticky, and all-around delicious.

Maple Apple Upside Down Cake
from Joy the Baker

For the Apples/Sauce:

• 2 medium apples, peeled and sliced into ½-inch thick wedges
• ½ cup pure maple syrup
• 4 tablespoons unsalted butter
• ½ cup firmly packed brown sugar
• ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg

For the Cake:

• 1½ cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ½ teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
• ½ teaspoon ground ginger
• ½ teaspoon kosher salt
• ¾ cup unsalted butter, melted and cooled
• 2 large eggs
• ¼ cup pure maple syrup
• ¾ cup packed brown sugar
• 1 apple, peeled and grated

1. Preheat your oven to 350 and butter a 9x2-inch round baking dish or cake pan. 
2. Slice two apples into wedges and arrange the wedges in the bottom of your prepared baking dish, overlapping as needed.
3. In a medium saucepan over medium-low heat, combine the maple syrup, 4 tablespoons of unsalted butter, brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg. Heat until the butter melts and the mixture begins to simmer, about 4 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat. Pour half of the syrup over the apples in the baking dish. Reserve the remaining half for after the cake is baked.
4. For the cake, in a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and salt.
5. In a separate bowl, combine the melted butter, eggs, maple syrup, brown sugar and grated apple. Add the apple mixture to the flour mixture and stir well. Dollop the batter onto the apples in the baking dish and gently smooth the top.
6. Bake the cake until a wooden toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, 45-50 minutes. Let the cake cool for 5 minutes, then run a knife around the edges of the cake to loosen it a bit before inverting it onto a plate. Drizzle the cake with the reserved, heated up syrup and let cool just slightly before slicing and serving.

Bonus Poem by Rumi:

A Bowl Fallen from the Roof

You that give new life to this planet,

you that transcend logic, come. I am only

an arrow. Fill your bow with me and let fly.

Because of this love for you my bowl has fallen from the roof.

Put down a ladder and collect the pieces, please.

People ask, But which roof is your roof?

I answer, Wherever the soul came from

and wherever it goes at night, my roof

is in that direction.

From wherever spring arrives to heal the ground,

from wherever searching rises in a human being.

The looking itself is a trace

of what we are looking for.

But we have been more like the man

who sits on his donkey

and asks the donkey where to go.

Be quiet now and wait.

It may be that the ocean one,

the one we desire so to move into and become,

desires us out here on land a little longer,

going our sundry roads to the shore.

From Rumi: Bridge to the Soul

Translations by Coleman Barks

Coming to Terms (Or Not)

I rarely post about any deeply personal experiences in my life, but something recently happened to me that really confounded me and left me feeling a little bit lost. I had a miscarriage. I've never been pregnant, and never even tried to become pregnant prior to this experience. It is an incredibly strange phenomenon on many levels. Mainly, it is weird that nobody talks about miscarriage. It is such a common circumstance, but because nobody talks about it... when it happens to you it is easy to feel alone in the experience.

When SB and I decided to start "trying" (for some reason this term always feels like a weird euphemism to me), I had mixed feelings. I was excited and also felt anxious about the changes that would come with a child. And then when I became pregnant so quickly those feelings were amplified. And yet, two weeks later, when the miscarriage occurred and the prospect was lost, I felt a surprising sadness that I was unable to define.

Because we talk so little about it, I feel like it is important to share the many emotions that came with this experience (all over the course of about 3 weeks!):

• Shocked, initially, that I was pregnant.
• Anxious, about what the pregnancy would mean for my life and for our life together.
• Excited, about the possibility of a child in our lives and the joys it would bring.
• Grateful, for the absolutely perfect timing of the pregnancy for so many reasons.
• Concerned, that something abnormal was happening with the pregnancy.
• Frustrated, that the experience was so much more stressful than I expected.
• Validated, that I had such a strong sense of what was happening with my body.
• Sad, that something happened to this little speck that ended its potential.
• Disappointed, that all I had imagined with respect to this baby was now lost.
• Pained, seeing SB’s sorrow and having others tell me they were sorry for our loss.
• Slightly bitter, that this happened to us instead of a healthy, happy pregnancy.
• Slightly envious, when I see pregnant women and families with babies.
• Relieved, just to be out of the place of uncertainty and to be able to move forward.
• Confused (and sometimes shame), about my feelings – should I be happy/sad and I’m not?
• Proud, that I took care of myself physically and emotionally and asked for what I needed.
• Appreciative, for all that is good in our life as it has always been, especially for SB.
• Grief/Loss, in that something was added to my being and then removed, leaving a hole that didn’t even exist before.

A learning experience, to be sure!

Ultimately, the experience brought SB and I closer together and we have great hope for the future.

Summer's End

It is one of those absolutely perfect weekends at the end of summer when you can feel the cooler air just around the corner but the sun is still shining bright and warm. Yesterday we hiked in a beautiful place with friends and observed the beginnings of autumn -- the leaves were changing color and sounded crispy in the tumult of strong winds. At the end of a hike was a poem. Enjoy!

I am the heat of your hearth on the cold winter nights,

the friendly shade screening you from the summer sun,

and my fruits are refreshing draughts quenching your thirst as you journey on.

I am the beam that holds your house,

the board of your table,

the bed on which you lie,

and the timber that builds your boat.

I am the handle of your hoe,

the door of your homestead,

the wood of your cradle,

and the shell of your coffin.

I am the bread of kindness and the flower of beauty.

"Ye who pass by, listen to my prayer: Harm me not."

                       

            Portuguese Prayer of the Woods

Modern Masters

I tend to be a little late to the party when it comes to popular culture; sometimes for better and sometimes for worse, I don't make too much of a point to stay up to date. I recently arrived upon two extraordinary musicians, Brandi Carlile and and Michael Kiwanuka, and I am HOOKED. They have both been around for a while -- Brandi Carlile for around 10 years and Michael Kiwanuka for around 5 years. Enjoy!

2012

2014

2011

2016

PS. Have you seen Stranger Things on Netflix yet? If you like X Files, Twin Peaks, and/or The Goonies, I highly recommend it!

The Great Escape

Vacation! What a blissful thing.

Our road trip spanned 2,500 miles in nine days (and eight states). The first two states (MN and WI) and the final two states (NY and VT) were easily the most beautiful. We made a pit stop in OH each way; it was less memorable, although I did find one heck of a great brewery t-shirt at Great Lakes Brewery in Cleveland.

Trip highlights included: the best of friends, an adorable baby, floating and kayaking on a beautiful lake, picking and eating wild blueberries, spectacular trail summits, and morning coffee by the campfire.

My car ended up with some wear and tear; it went into the shop two days after our return and is now fixed, just in time for our next trip to Door County, WI this weekend.

No Justice, No Peace

Recent events of senseless violence have our nation in a tailspin. Two days ago a man was killed by a police officer for no good reason 2.5 miles from our home. The extremely chilling video of the traffic stop-turned-murder has been broadcast again and again and again and I will never un-see it. I also heard that in this man's 33 years of life, he had encountered the police something like 80 times, and 50 of those times all charges had been dropped (and the other times he was charged with extremely petty violations). And despite the fact that society just kept assuming the worst about him, he worked as a public servant, serving lunch to elementary school kids in our neighborhood.

These apparent acts of racism, fear, distrust, and entitlement bring me straight back to the anger and deep sadness I felt after reading the book Between the World and Me earlier this year. The countless injustices and the plight of violence that black Americans face every day are a product of racism so embedded that even well-intentioned people don't recognize their role in it. Until white people see that we are perpetuating truly inhumane systems and begin holding each other accountable for creating more equitable ones, our nightly news will continue to be flooded with images of families and communities being torn apart.

To read excerpts from Between the World and Me from a previous post on this blog, click here.

Sunny Friday Out of the Office

Another Friday post. This one is even more celebratory than most because I am taking a vacation day to bike around town, read in the sun, and eat seafood with SB. Hurray!

It is a particularly nice time for a break because the last week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. This is due to the fact that last weekend I decided to change jobs. My organization is undergoing a rapid expansion, and I was informed that my job was being split into two jobs. I was asked to choose between the two halves of my job, both of which I love.

It was tough because I have spent the vast majority of the past two+ years on one program that is near and dear to my heart; I coordinated a network of 150 people statewide and have developed strong relationships with most of the individuals in that network. The other half of my job was leading program evaluation and grant writing efforts for all of our programs -- resume-building skills that I have historically had a lot less time for day-to-day but always wanted to grown and nurture. Between these two halves, after much deliberation, I chose the latter.

It was an emotional choice and painful to tell my supervisor and program partners, all of whom have helped me grow tremendously on personal and professional levels. I have really loved the work, but when faced with an opportunity to learn new skills vs. keep doing more of the same, I will hopefully never choose the "comfortable" or "easy" option. Even if I don't end up liking the new job, it will still be a worthwhile learning experience. Fingers crossed that it ends up being rewarding.

But today I am away from all of that and will be hitting the town, taking in the glory of a hot summer day! The music video that I'm in the mood to share today features our friends, actually. When SB and I met, friends-of-his-friend were in a band called The Chord and the Fawn. We saw them play a number of shows, and I really love them as people and their music. They have since disbanded, but I have been listening to them a lot lately. The video linked below is for one of my favorites. They have a few other videos on Vimeo, too.

THE CHORD AND THE FAWN - OUR LEADER

A Little Outdoor Inspiration

Most people I know grew up going camping with their families. Some camped in tents among the trees and alongside lakes while others had more of a KOA tent-trailer and swimming pool experience. In this land of 10,000 lakes many people also have family cabins for savoring a few lush and sunny months before the cold returns.

When I was a kid our family trips generally entailed traveling by air to visit relatives in other medium-sized cities. I enjoyed seeing other cities -- San Francisco, in particular, made a mark on my middle school self -- and now that I think about it, as an adult the vast majority of the trips I've taken have been to major cities. I can probably count the number of times I've slept in a tent in my entire life on my own two hands.

Despite the fact that I actually choose to spend very little time out in natural landscapes, I have such a romantic view of being out in, and part of, an environment untouched (well, less touched) by human beings. I think that most people must feel this way; are there people who don't long to be surrounded on all sides by prairies, forests, oceans, and/or deserts? Hands down one of the best days of my life was spent on a gorgeous isolated hike through the Cascade mountains with two of my favorite people (and one of my favorite dogs).

The exciting news is that SB and I will actually be breaking our big-city travel habit and taking a road trip this summer to spend time with close friends (and their adorable baby) in beautiful Vermont. We will even be spending two nights camping in the Adirondacks as part of the trip. I am pumped.

Anyway, all of these thoughts were inspired by a poem that came to mind, of the blue, while I was sitting at home this evening. I originally came across the poem via Greg Brown, who recites it on a live album. I absolutely love the second stanza; the phrase "creek music, heart music" is so beautiful.

For All
By Gary Snyder 

Ah to be alive
on a mid-September morn
fording a stream
barefoot, pants rolled up,
holding boots, pack on,
sunshine, ice in the shallows,
northern rockies.

Rustle and shimmer of icy creek waters
stones turn underfoot, small and hard as toes
cold nose dripping
singing inside
creek music, heart music,
smell of sun on gravel.

I pledge allegiance

I pledge allegiance to the soil
of Turtle Island,
and to the beings who thereon dwell
one ecosystem
in diversity
under the sun
With joyful interpenetration for all.