Coming to Terms (Or Not)

I rarely post about any deeply personal experiences in my life, but something recently happened to me that really confounded me and left me feeling a little bit lost. I had a miscarriage. I've never been pregnant, and never even tried to become pregnant prior to this experience. It is an incredibly strange phenomenon on many levels. Mainly, it is weird that nobody talks about miscarriage. It is such a common circumstance, but because nobody talks about it... when it happens to you it is easy to feel alone in the experience.

When SB and I decided to start "trying" (for some reason this term always feels like a weird euphemism to me), I had mixed feelings. I was excited and also felt anxious about the changes that would come with a child. And then when I became pregnant so quickly those feelings were amplified. And yet, two weeks later, when the miscarriage occurred and the prospect was lost, I felt a surprising sadness that I was unable to define.

Because we talk so little about it, I feel like it is important to share the many emotions that came with this experience (all over the course of about 3 weeks!):

• Shocked, initially, that I was pregnant.
• Anxious, about what the pregnancy would mean for my life and for our life together.
• Excited, about the possibility of a child in our lives and the joys it would bring.
• Grateful, for the absolutely perfect timing of the pregnancy for so many reasons.
• Concerned, that something abnormal was happening with the pregnancy.
• Frustrated, that the experience was so much more stressful than I expected.
• Validated, that I had such a strong sense of what was happening with my body.
• Sad, that something happened to this little speck that ended its potential.
• Disappointed, that all I had imagined with respect to this baby was now lost.
• Pained, seeing SB’s sorrow and having others tell me they were sorry for our loss.
• Slightly bitter, that this happened to us instead of a healthy, happy pregnancy.
• Slightly envious, when I see pregnant women and families with babies.
• Relieved, just to be out of the place of uncertainty and to be able to move forward.
• Confused (and sometimes shame), about my feelings – should I be happy/sad and I’m not?
• Proud, that I took care of myself physically and emotionally and asked for what I needed.
• Appreciative, for all that is good in our life as it has always been, especially for SB.
• Grief/Loss, in that something was added to my being and then removed, leaving a hole that didn’t even exist before.

A learning experience, to be sure!

Ultimately, the experience brought SB and I closer together and we have great hope for the future.