Coming to Terms (Or Not)

I rarely post about any deeply personal experiences in my life, but something recently happened to me that really confounded me and left me feeling a little bit lost. I had a miscarriage. I've never been pregnant, and never even tried to become pregnant prior to this experience. It is an incredibly strange phenomenon on many levels. Mainly, it is weird that nobody talks about miscarriage. It is such a common circumstance, but because nobody talks about it... when it happens to you it is easy to feel alone in the experience.

When SB and I decided to start "trying" (for some reason this term always feels like a weird euphemism to me), I had mixed feelings. I was excited and also felt anxious about the changes that would come with a child. And then when I became pregnant so quickly those feelings were amplified. And yet, two weeks later, when the miscarriage occurred and the prospect was lost, I felt a surprising sadness that I was unable to define.

Because we talk so little about it, I feel like it is important to share the many emotions that came with this experience (all over the course of about 3 weeks!):

• Shocked, initially, that I was pregnant.
• Anxious, about what the pregnancy would mean for my life and for our life together.
• Excited, about the possibility of a child in our lives and the joys it would bring.
• Grateful, for the absolutely perfect timing of the pregnancy for so many reasons.
• Concerned, that something abnormal was happening with the pregnancy.
• Frustrated, that the experience was so much more stressful than I expected.
• Validated, that I had such a strong sense of what was happening with my body.
• Sad, that something happened to this little speck that ended its potential.
• Disappointed, that all I had imagined with respect to this baby was now lost.
• Pained, seeing SB’s sorrow and having others tell me they were sorry for our loss.
• Slightly bitter, that this happened to us instead of a healthy, happy pregnancy.
• Slightly envious, when I see pregnant women and families with babies.
• Relieved, just to be out of the place of uncertainty and to be able to move forward.
• Confused (and sometimes shame), about my feelings – should I be happy/sad and I’m not?
• Proud, that I took care of myself physically and emotionally and asked for what I needed.
• Appreciative, for all that is good in our life as it has always been, especially for SB.
• Grief/Loss, in that something was added to my being and then removed, leaving a hole that didn’t even exist before.

A learning experience, to be sure!

Ultimately, the experience brought SB and I closer together and we have great hope for the future.

Summer's End

It is one of those absolutely perfect weekends at the end of summer when you can feel the cooler air just around the corner but the sun is still shining bright and warm. Yesterday we hiked in a beautiful place with friends and observed the beginnings of autumn -- the leaves were changing color and sounded crispy in the tumult of strong winds. At the end of a hike was a poem. Enjoy!

I am the heat of your hearth on the cold winter nights,

the friendly shade screening you from the summer sun,

and my fruits are refreshing draughts quenching your thirst as you journey on.

I am the beam that holds your house,

the board of your table,

the bed on which you lie,

and the timber that builds your boat.

I am the handle of your hoe,

the door of your homestead,

the wood of your cradle,

and the shell of your coffin.

I am the bread of kindness and the flower of beauty.

"Ye who pass by, listen to my prayer: Harm me not."

                       

            Portuguese Prayer of the Woods