Victory

I am no longer sick! (knock on wood.) 


It has been a long time since I have felt this energetic (like 3 months, honestly). It hit me last Friday -- a strong enthusiasm for life rather than the more familiar feeling of bad stress that has been plaguing me since I got sick. And, despite a very busy weekend of time with friends, I've still got the enthusiasm at 5:30pm on Monday night(and I'm still at school waiting for a night class to start!). It is amazing how good it feels; it is as though I am "getting my life back," in a way. And there is no better time. With graduation approaching and the reality that there is a finite checklist (even if it is still a long one) of homework assignments left to complete, I am ready to be back on my A-game, working as diligently as possible until I reach the finish line. 


And, perhaps the best part, is that tomorrow morning I am going to go for a run for the first time since February. The doctor said "no running" until April, and April starts this week, so I'm going to go for it. SB has been biking using his trainer almost every day and I have been inspired/envious. I never realized how much seasonal affectation plays a part in my life, or maybe this year was particularly bad because it was coupled with my mono, but these long, sunny, warmish days are having a big impact on my attitude. Summer is coming!


On that note... 

A SWEET FLYING DREAM
BY LAWRENCE FERLINGHETTI

We were two naked
  light-headed dandelions
   with natural hair blown out
 floating high over the landscape
   blown by zephyr winds
  our long legs dangling
    straight down
   translucent
      dandelion stems
 in an archetypal primordial dream
            of flying
Sweet hills & waters
   flowed below us
 as we floated high over
    lakes & rivers
       & windblown peaks
We
     drifted
     wafted easily
    We
          flew wingless
 Full of air
      our hair
        buoyed us
      We
 Trailed our slim legs
   in streams of silver air
  There
   was nothing
            blowing us down
    or away
     from each other
After a long way
     and a long while
            we
       glided down
   lower & lower
 in great swinging circles
  The sea
   the lapping sea
     rose up
    and we
     were over gold land
     close up
 and I
  I was afraid you would
           come against the ground too hard
 and I reached down
               and took
          your two extended hands
       in mine
      and held you below me
          like that
             floating
As we drifted
  lower & lower
 the earth
     came up to us
     so softly
     And
 we landed
      so quietly
     sank
  so gently
      to the bright soft ground
     And lay in the light
   flowerless fields

Overwhelmed

Well, as to be expected, spring break came and went all-too quickly. Despite knowing this would happen, the adjustment back into school has been a tough one. With less than two months to graduate, I have been frequently reduced to wimpering re: not being able to make it to the finish line. It hasn't helped that my job will be ending in June (exactly when I do not know) and we are busy trying to ensure project sustainability while knowing that I will not be continuing with the project beyond the June timeline. My boss and our consultant on the project will both likely continue while I am cut loose. Not surprising, because I knew it would happen, but to my surprise the fact that they may continue the work without me feels like a let down. Being a part-time intern is never being "in" like a full-time employee, and I'm eager for a position that entitles me to the same degree of investment and interest as everyone else in the office.

On a related note, I am also a student with a commitment to my job and therefore limited time to engage with other students in my class. So, there too I feel lackluster in my availability and ultimately my ability to invest. Group work in every class requiring scheduled out-of-class meetings that work for 5+ people is very taxing in that it is nearly impossible to coordinate. I want to pull my weight in all spheres, including at home with SB, but I am feeling mediocre as a result of being spread thin. The mono hasn't helped, either.

BUT, I will graduate in something like 6 weeks. And my job is great and I perform well and there is no need to fret there, either. And I can't complain at home because I've got a fabulous partner and adorable cat and a future to which I look forward. I hate to wish away these last 6 weeks, but that is my current state. And to think, not only will I graduate in 6 weeks but I will also become an aunt. I'm very excited. And two of my good friends from grad school just got engaged. They are totally great, and I'm for some reason particularly enthusiastic about it. Perhaps we'll be longtime friends.

Anyway, time for bed (yes at 9:05 pm!). Sorry this is more like a rant than anything else. It has totally been one of those days/weeks. I'm hoping to, despite the mono, begin running again this week. Wish me luck.

SPRING BREAK!

A photo from the St. Paul Farmers Market last year. Here's hoping for warmth soon!

After a few days of much-needed recovery time, it has finally hit me that I am on Spring break. I have a ton of schoolwork to do and am working 20 hours this week, but I am deadline-free for 8 days. Oh the joy.

Break has been great so far. I spent yesterday with my family (although SB couldn't join us because now he's sick! Huge bummer.), this morning drinking mimosas and eating vegan brunch (including cupcakes!), and will spend the evening watching a movie with SB and Cricket. All of this could be done guilt-free, as I don't really need to be doing homework quite yet.

I also started reading Violent Partners by Linda Mills (for an upcoming conference). I like her tone thus far and think that it will be a really compelling read as well as a fascinating, radical, restorative-justice and healing-type approach to the issue of domestic violence. I have to facilitate discussion of the book at a conference that Linda Mills herself will be attending. A cool opportunity, but intimidating since I have no experience with this issue and I'll be facilitating professionals in this field.

While this week will have to include extensive research for papers and projects, reading for classes, there will also hopefully be a fun St. Patrick's Day celebration (nothing more or less than attempting to make Irish soda bread and drinking a beer with friends and family) as well as several other fun activities, the memories of which will hopefully keep me going through these final months of school and the beginning of my job search. YIKES. I'll save those worries for another week. If I do anything especially cool, I will post a photo.

The Joys of Inefficiency

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.”    ~Socrates


Having mono has forced me to slow down. Actually, I usually run from one thing to the next for three or four days, despite my mono, and then my body crashes and I have to recuperate. And by have to recuperate, I don't mean to sound like it is miserable; in fact, when I take an evening off, or a few hours, or even thirty minutes to watch a funny episode on Netflix, read for pleasure, just rest in bed, etc., I still manage to get everything done (enough) and life goes on. The best part: AND I got to indulge in something pleasurable, leaving my whole body and spirit feeling better. With that in mind, and not just during this seemingly endless virus, I must learn to be less neurotic about being productive and instead see the beauty of inefficiently spent time. Tonight, after three consecutive 10-13 hour days away from home, I watched Ghostbusters. I have an easy reflection paper due tomorrow, and I just put in on hold to recuperate with Ghostbusters. And I laughed out loud by myself. And I got my reflection done. And I'm going to graduate. And life goes on. So enjoy it and don't feel guilty for taking a break!

Footnote to Howl

Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
     Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!
     The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand
     and asshole holy!
Everything is holy! everybody's holy! everywhere is
     holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman's an
     angel!
The bum's as holy as the seraphim! the madman is
     holy as you my soul are holy!
The typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is
     holy the hearers are holy the ecstasy is holy!
Holy Peter holy Allen holy Solomon holy Lucien holy
     Kerouac holy Huncke holy Burroughs holy Cas-
     sady holy the unknown buggered and suffering
     beggars holy the hideous human angels!
Holy my mother in the insane asylum! Holy the cocks
     of the grandfathers of Kansas!
Holy the groaning saxophone! Holy the bop
     apocalypse! Holy the jazzbands marijuana
     hipsters peace & junk & drums!
Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy
     the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the
     mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!
Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the
     middle class! Holy the crazy shepherds of rebell-
     ion! Who digs Los Angeles IS Los Angeles!
Holy New York Holy San Francisco Holy Peoria &
     Seattle Holy Paris Holy Tangiers Holy Moscow
     Holy Istanbul!
Holy time in eternity holy eternity in time holy the
     clocks in space holy the fourth dimension holy
     the fifth International holy the Angel in Moloch!
Holy the sea holy the desert holy the railroad holy the
     locomotive holy the visions holy the hallucina-
     tions holy the miracles holy the eyeball holy the
     abyss!
Holy forgiveness! mercy! charity! faith! Holy! Ours!
     bodies! suffering! magnanimity!
Holy the supernatural extra brilliant intelligent
     kindness of the soul!